On Friendship

I've been in Canada for the annual ritual of Best Friend Barbie (BFB) Time. This friendship is another variation on a theme -- holding hands when you go out into the world (one of the ten things from the kindergarten book).  Real friendships, they are definitely one of the things, if not THE THING.

Barbie and I met in New York City in the early 1970's.  I moved to California, she moved to Toronto and we moved to Florida, but nothing stopped our annual visits. We are best friends and "current" friends, we talk every single day on the phone or skype. If we miss a day, I'm sure she is lying dead on the floor!

The coat, boots and sweater in this picture = $100/piece, 
25 years ago.  The friendship, like the ad says = PRICELESS. 



I learned the joys of female friendships from my Mother (while equally learning the sorrows of male relationships, but that's another blog).  My earliest memories are of these 1950's women smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, and laughing at secrets that seemed uniquely theirs.  There was nothing I wouldn't do to be around them -- I'd serve them and clean up after them.  I loved how they made me feel, but mostly I loved how they made her feel.  My Mother was not a happy woman, but she was happy in the company of these women. 

One of the most profound observations and greatest compliments my husband ever paid me was to say that he would one day tell our sons that they should choose a women who had good women friends, someone who other women liked and respected.  "Women can fool men", Steve declared; "but they can't fool other women." 

I was never good in a large group of women for the same reason I am good individually or in small groups.  I think it's like being a man's woman or a woman's woman- I don't find we can be both, AND, it doesn't make one of us right and one of us wrong.  I just know who I am.  I would not have been a good cheerleader nor a good sorority sister.  I was not good in a group of stews, not good at PTA.I feel like there is only so much of me to go around and there are only so many hours in the day.  I don't have the time or energy to stay "current" with more than a couple of women, even if I wanted to. (That, and Barbie's theory that you should never leave a room where two or more women are left behind).  I have hurt women who wanted to be a closer friend to me than I wanted to be to them.  I have been hurt by wanting to be a closer friend to someone than they would be to me.   

The older I get, the longer I am married and now raising kids, the more I see the point of plural wives.   If it wasn't for the sex, I would be a lesbian -- I love the company of other women.  Women with whom I have shared a true friendship ebbed and flowed with the tides of my life and theirs.  Sometimes we were "situational" best friends -- getting one another through college (Lisa) pregnancy (Jeanne) a strike (Katrina) the shock of elementary school kids at my age (Teri).   One at a time, they were the woman with whom I shared everything, chaff and grain together, who sifted through it, kept what was worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blew the rest away.  And while you couldn't get me to remember the names of all the guys I "dated", I remember the names and see the faces of all of these women.  I'm still in touch with most of them today, and like men who fought on a battlefield together, they were and always will be, my friends:

My first friends were my sisters and cousins -- still my friends today, but e "special"ly cousin Sandy.  The top picture is taken in Granttown, West Virginia, circa 1950





My first "girls", Me, Marcy, Marge*, Yvonne and Gail

The 6-pack circa 1960s

My first real job at McDonald Douglas  with Elaine and Gayle, both of whom I wound up living with.

My Best Friend Mary and Me, part of the Airline Friends who are seated above, Cristina, Katrina and Patty* (with Elaine and Tania from the Spot)

    Sue (and Lou, wherever you are), Debi, Lisa and Betty -- below = Jeanne, Andy, Kell-Belle and Lisa.       Robert Redford was once quoted as saying he didn't want any new friends -- I get that -- the older I get  the more complicated my history, I didn't look for new women friends in my 60's -- but when my niece moved to town, we forged a friendship for life, and somehow with all the casual relationships that are mine, I found my newest friendships in the village that is Andy and Lisa.  

To the Women of my Life, to Best Friends everywhere - I salute you.

*Marge, Nadine and Patty -- Gone too soon, but not before you knew how much I loved you and how proufoundly your friendship enriched my life.  Rest in Peace