On Happier Holidays

"How was your holiday?" 
"It was alright, but I"m exhausted."
"I'll tell you one thing, I AM NOT DOING THIS NEXT YEAR!"

Yes you are, for the same reason women have more than one child -- we forget pain and we are all, to some degree, lemmings.  Even if we want to be outstanding; we don't want to stand out -- and when children are involved, forget it, unless you really believe your own words that "afterall, it's all about the kids".  
 
After Thanksgiving, albeit barely after, dirty dishes still piled in the sink, a euphemistic starting pistol fires, and we're off. We look out the window and the Griswalds have lit up the neighborhood -- "Should we get to the outside decorations?".  The first card arrives in the mail or by email, "Is everyone going to do cards? I can't believe they got theirs out so early -- EVERYONE IS POSING FOR A PICTURE TOMORROW AND BATHE THAT DOG .  . . The  first person who asks if you have made your list or started or finished your shopping, and let's face it, the lights and decorations and cards are nothing compared to the conspicious consumption of giving and receving gifts -- lets you know, the race is on.  

I don't know yet if there are more advantages or disadvantages to raising kids at our age, but wisdom and experience rank at the top of my plus list. While my twins were still in the womb, I hatched my plot to raise grateful, unspoiled children -- at the center, my strategy would be limiting gifts.  Each time I laid out my plan to other parents (especially if they had already thrown in the towel on this issue), each one smiled, wished me good luck, and asked me to let them know how that worked out for me.  They weren't wrong about the opposition we would encounter.  They were wrong that it couldn't be done. 

So let's skip to the end first -- we have 12-year old twin boys (that's middle school) and this year, no differently than all the others, I got my wish -- I got grateful, unspoiled children.  Now let's go back to the beginning -- as BFB (Best Friend Barbie) says "they didn't come out of the box that way". 

I don't know how many "things" there are, maybe ten, maybe more, but one of them is "pay on one end or pay on the other".  This has been stated in hundreds of other forms, you reap what you sow being one of them, but from Day 1, the Rules were:
1.  If you come to visit, you are not allowed to bring them a gift -- their gift is that you came to visit
2.  If we go away from them, we do not bring them a gift when we come back -- our gift is that we CAME back.
In their 12 years, the boys have never asked "what did you bring me?" 3.  Birthdays (which in our case fall on November 1, too close to Halloween to continue the sugar high and too close to Christmas for anything) are $1 for each year of life.  In the beginning, we didn't even allow that, and they learned to love receiving a card in the mail that was addressed to them. 
4.  Christmas -- Santa brought them one gift from their wish list and their stockings were the big prize.
5.  EVERY DECEMBER, we, then they are required to have a garage sale and clean out their closets.  It mostly goes to charity, but it's the exercise that counts.  Nothing is coming in if everything we don't use/need doesn't go out.

You want to know one of the moments that took my breath away?  Jakey was 4 or 5 and awakened Christmas morning with a cold.  The first thing he saw was a pack Christmas tissues sticking out of the stocking and he exclaimed "Mom, Santa must have known I had a cold, can you believe how thoughtful that was of him?"  He coveted those tissues and my heart swelled.

My family and the few friends who bought for them did not agree -- except for BFB.  Some saw it as my way of trying to control the Universe; others felt if I did it for their kids, they should be able to do it for mine.  Do I have to say out loud that I did it for their kids because I had to; not always because I wanted to. 

To be fair, even when the reason they wanted to choose the boy's  were unadulterated love and choice, they still didn't consider that plastic in which it was wrapped that can drive a husband to pull out a gun and threaten to shoot it off, or the batteries it needs that you dont' have, or the tiny, tiny, screws that need a special screwdriver to open the battery compartment. Not to mention the framework of the big picture, i.e. "oh let them have drums".  

So this was my holiday:

No outside decorations -- grateful for those who did and lit up our lives

Beautiful fake/pre-lit tree, concentrating on Dad's trains and the wonderful ritual of decorating while I cry to each "baby's first ornament" or the ones they made in 2nd grade and they say "get out the tissues, Mom is going to hang the one with the photo"

Cards went out becuase the wonderful website via the USPS card store offered to send out from last year's list with no postage charge if I say "ok" by December 3rd, gave a sample template who I drug a few pictures into -- for $34 sent over 100 cards.

Let the boys make their Aunts a Christmas CD and added a homemade ornament
Didn't buy for anyone that I had to -- but if the perfect gift presented itself, I did it via the internet.

Bought the one big gift for the boys which I no longer ask anyone if they want to go in on and had fun with stockings.

Did Charity -- but not so much the public kind that also fills in squares -- During the garage sale a child wanted to buy one of the boy's old nerf guns.  He had $5 in his hand and the boys went and got him their brand new one and told him it was free.  We babysat people's kids who needed a break. 

Played Monopoly and my husband was shocked at how quickly the boys could not wait their turn and talked over everyone.  Played more Monopoly.

I have to admit that Christmas morning at 6AM, we did decide that one of the three things we did Christmas Eve would have to be eliminated next year (1) drinking heavily (it won't be that) (2) Staying up and assembling two gifts and stockings (3) getting up with them at that hour (drugging them may be an option), but Christmas was a joy.  Eddie told us he couldn't have had a better Christmas if he was Bill Gate's kid. 

Here's the rub:
Many of the boy's benefactors "hated Christmas" this season and ran around filling in squares because they felt obligated or required.  Some scrambled with last minute gift cards and money cards.  The boys did not look for these things under the tree, but when we gave them each one, they turned them all into us and after seeing if we needed any of the money, asked if they could just use our credit card for one big fishing purchase.  Maybe next year I'll ask if everyone wants to go in on their one big gift!

In 2007, my local newspaper published my article on this subject in their viewpoint and one of the most endearing responses I received was from Liz.  She wrote, in part "So you see, I feel your frustration and I am fed up with everyone's non-thinking soul snatching of my children . . . . so here's to you and your convictions -- may you and your friends and family have a health filled year ahead, with warm wishes and great support".  This is why I write and blog.


Maya Angelou says when you know better; you do better, and
Alexander Pope believes Hope springs eternal, so we'll see. 

Happier Holidays Next Time